


breakthrough/breakdown/blackout

by yanori



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Cats, Cute, Denial, Drugs, Fluff, Idol Life, Idols, Late Nights, Longing, Love, M/M, Slow Burn, Songwriting, complicated problems, confused jinyoung, idol struggles teehee, implied sexual content ig but like it’s not bad at all, intentional lowercase, jjp is basically a mess, kpop, slowburn, tired jaebum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:20:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23662990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yanori/pseuds/yanori
Summary: jaebum is tired. jinyoung is tired, too. but they know it can’t work.*****in which jaebum and jinyoung struggle to balance the priority of their feelings alongside the priority of their job and their bandmates. jinyoung thinks he knows what’s right. jaebum disagrees.(loosely inspired by halsey’s song ‘clementine’)
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung, JJ Project - Relationship
Comments: 6
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> idk why i always have to have my characters get drugged or be involved with drugs at one point or another but at least it doesn’t end terribly this time haha. 
> 
> idk if this will be mostly fluff or angst? i really don’t know. probably angst but we’ll see where it goes. if it is angsty it won’t be anything really really bad. just unfortunate conclusions lol. hope you enjoy either way!

it was four hours past midnight. jinyoung knew that was late, even for jaebum, who tended to stay out later than any of the other members. it was late even for their off night, without any added schedules for the next day. jinyoung had been on the verge of falling asleep himself for an hour or two already, but he had to wait. he had to talk to him. he couldn’t let this slide anymore. 

he’d let himself into jaebum’s apartment earlier only to find jaebum gone. he hadn’t expected it to be a while waiting ordeal, but now that it had turned into one, he wasn’t just going to leave. 

but jinyoung didn’t know what was holding jaebum up. he partly wondered if jaebum knew he was here and what he was planning. why else would he be coming home so late? he had to know that jinyoung was waiting for him. jaebum didn’t want to talk, and jinyoung knew it. but it had to be done at some point, and jinyoung was sick of waiting. so he had to stay and he had to stay awake. he could do it. 

it was four and a half hours past midnight when jinyoung was jerked awake. he didn’t know how long it’d been since he’d accidentally fallen asleep, but he wasn’t asleep enough to not notice the aggressive shaking of the doorknob, and at first, he was afraid and confused. he had forgotten why he was even on the couch and not in his own bed. he forgot where he was and he briefly wondered if he’d been kidnapped. 

his mind cleared when he heard the door slam against the wall though, because immediately afterwards, the noise was followed by loud sobs. sobs that were all too familiar to him, but at the same time, foreign. jaebum never sobbed like that. ever. 

jinyoung shot up from where he sat on the couch immediately. his mind still felt foggy with sleep, but he couldn’t sit around and wait for it to clear when he knew something was wrong. he could wrap his head around that much– the rest would come later. 

“jaebum?” he croaked out, stumbling out of the living room and towards the door, his eyes widening at the sight of the man. he looked completely disheveled; his previously styled hair a disheveled mop of waves and curls, his forehead dampened with sweat. a sleeve of his shirt was pulled down over his shoulder and jinyoung could see some dirt on jaebum’s pants, the stylish rips pulled apart a bit more than usual. he looked rough, and the moment jinyoung reached out to examine jaebum further and help, jaebum fell into his arms. 

jinyoung was immediately forced to carry jaebum’s whole weight. his wobbly muscles weren’t readily equipped to handle it, but he did his best as jaebum collapsed in his embrace, his legs losing their footholds and his arms and hands clinging to jinyoung’s own shirt for dear life. it was as if all the power left in jaebum’s muscles had gone into holding onto jinyoung like his life depended on it, and crying. jaebum didn’t stop crying.

“jaebum.. jaebum, i need you to talk to me.” jinyoung started after a few moments, once his mind could wrap itself around the situation and create a coherent sentence. it was so much at once, and jinyoung’s mind and muscles were working overdrive, trying to fight against his exhaustion as jaebum clearly gave into his own. 

“jinyoung… i can’t– i can’t, jinyoung…” jaebum gasped, breathing heavily between words and shaking his head. jinyoung could feel the aggression in the movement, tightening his grip on the man slightly. he had no idea what was going on, but he was scared to let it get too far out of control. 

“shh… jaebum, shh, it’s okay. i’ve got you, it’s okay…” jinyoung breathed, shuffling the few footsteps he needed to towards the door to shut it, locking it afterwards and earring a small sigh of relief from jaebum before another choked sob. “it’s okay. i’ve got you, baby, i’ve got you.” 

the nickname slipped from jinyoung’s lips without a second thought. he didn’t even fully process what’d he’d said even after he said it, but the name fell calmly on jaebum’s ears, and jinyoung could hear his sobs calming. the man still shook and he shook jinyoung with him, but he could handle it. jinyoung could handle it for jaebum. 

he didn’t know how long they’d stood there. it could have been seconds or minutes before jaebum was done sobbing and then steady enough to let go of jinyoung, and even then jinyoung was sure the man was not going to stand by himself. so he carefully eased jaebum to his side, pushing his shoulder under jaebum’s and holding most of the man’s weight as he started to lead him towards jaebum’s room. 

it was hard, with as much as jaebum and all his muscle weighed on top of jinyoung’s tired body, but jinyoung knew he could do it. he knew he could manage and he needed to get jaebum back to his room and calm. calm enough to find out what was going on. his senses were all overloaded and he knew he couldn’t relax enough to leave jaebum alone and go sleep, even if his body desperately wanted him to. 

so he gently helped set jaebum down on his bed once he reached it, lifting his legs onto the mattress once he realized jaebum couldn’t do that much. something was terribly off and jinyoung knew it, but he also knew he couldn’t get anything out of jaebum yet. so he did the only thing he knew how to at the moment, and he took care of him. 

he helped jaebum to get his stretched and wrinkled shirt off first. jaebum was just as sweaty on his chest as his forehead and jinyoung frowned, looking up at jaebum’s exhausted expression and seeing the man looking back at him weakly, his eyes already half closed. he brushed some of jaebum’s hair from his forehead then, keeping eye contact for a moment and then resisting the urge to do anything else before turning and heading to the bathroom to grab a washcloth, returning a moment later and helping to brush the moisture off of jaebum’s skin. 

jinyoung tried his best to ignore how alarmingly warm jaebum was. emotionally jaebum looked alarmed and attacked, and jinyoung had been able to tell that from the beginning. he was only now just realizing how bad this might be physically as well, but he knew there was only so much he could do with what knowledge he had, and he was trying. 

“do i need to call a doctor?” jinyoung asked carefully after a moment as he continued to wipe jaebum’s skin, not lifting his gaze. it took a minute of silence before he heard a response.

“i don’t know.” jaebum replied, his voice barely above a whisper. jinyoung looked back up at the man, pursing his lips at the even more exhausted continuation of the comment. “it doesn’t hurt. i’m just hot. can’t think.”

jinyoung sighed, wiping across jaebum’s skin once more before leaning back and starting to help jaebum to remove his jeans, thankful that he didn’t meet any resistance and after they were unzipped and unbuttoned, they slipped of with ease. he set them on the floor at the foot of jaebum’s bed before looking back at jaebum, trying not to focus on the fact that he was more than half naked. jinyoung had seen him like this before. he didn’t need to be thinking anything different now, even despite recent situations. jaebum needed him to present and attentive to the larger problem at hand. 

“why can’t you think? what happened?” jinyoung asked gently, understanding that all of this was probably hard for jaebum. he didn’t want to overwhelm the man, but he needed to know what was going on. he was starting to get more afraid of jaebum’s current state, and he needed to be reassured that things would be okay if he didn’t call someone. if something happened to jaebum when he could have done more, he wouldn’t let himself live with it. 

“i don’t.. i don’t know, it’s hot, jinyoung, i just.. i just want some water..? or something, please.” jaebum croaked, his brows furrowing in concentration. his actions only concerned jinyoung further, but he nodded anyway and took a step away from jaebum’s bed, his eyes lingering on the older man’s frame before turning and whisking quickly outside of the room to grab a glass of water. 

he wasn’t gone for more than a minute. he made sure jaebum had more than enough ice to cool him down, and he grabbed a towel and an ice pack to help with jaebum’s overheating as well. he figured it was better than nothing, and even though he wasn’t sure what was really affecting jaebum, he was going to do all he could to make sure jaebum was comfortable again.

so when he returned he gave jaebum a small smile and held out the glass of water, helping the man steady it and bring a sip to his lips. he could feel that the movement strained jaebum and cause him to shake, and jinyoung did what he could to take most of the burden off of jaebum’s muscles, lifting it away the moment he knew jaebum had enough water for now before setting it on the bedside dresser. 

“i brought a towel and an ice pack to see if it might cool you off a bit more. do you think it’ll help?” jinyoung questioned, and jaebum closed his eyes after he finished speaking. jinyoung briefly wondered if jaebum was annoyed by his care, but either way, he wasn’t just going to leave him alone. “jaebum?”

“i don’t know. maybe.” jaebum replied, and jinyoung could see his breathing pick up slightly. 

“hey, it’s okay… i’m sorry i’m asking so many questions, i just want to make sure you’re okay.” jinyoung held back a sigh, instead looking down at the two items in his hand and wrapping the towel around the ice pack before turning back to jaebum and gently setting it on his stomach. “here. just tell me if it’s not helping, okay?”

jaebum nodded and seemed to calm a bit from the coolness of the ice pack and jinyoung let out a small sigh of relief, watching the other man’s breathing slow until it was steady again. he was more than happy to see that something was helping more, but his initial concern about the source of the panic was more frightening than anything. as far as he knew, jaebum had only gone and hung out with some friends at one of their apartments.

it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. the members all went out and hung out with friends from time to time, and it always wasn’t unheard of to return home late when they didn’t have schedules. but coming home this late and with such an alarming aura was a problem. not just for everyone else in the group, but for jaebum. something was wrong and jinyoung knew it. this wasn’t just a normal return from an average idol hangout. 

“jaebum, i know you’re not feeling great, but… i need to know if something happened. i don’t want to let this go if it’s going to hurt you and affect your health. i need you to tell me what’s going on, and once i’m sure it’s nothing worth worrying about, i’ll let you be. i just need to know.” jinyoung asked gently. he understood jaebum wasn’t in the best state currently, but he wasn’t going to be able to stop bothering him or sleep himself if he didn’t know what the cause of all of this was.

so he waited patiently until jaebum opened his eyes and met his gaze, drawing in a breath before closing them again and pursing his lips. for a moment, jinyoung thought he wasn’t going to answer at all, but then he spoke. 

“i think she drugged me.” jaebum said quietly, his voice croaky and quiet. but the rest of the dorm was silent except for their breathing, and jinyoung had no problem hearing. 

the thought of jaebum being drugged, however, did rise some concerns. there were simple drugs that wouldn’t do too much harm to jaebum in the long run. the effects could potentially only be short term, and jinyoung hoped that was the case. but he also knew that even small doses of some drugs could have profound effects, and the fact that jaebum didn’t even know what he’d been given was an issue. 

“who drugged you? are you sure you’re okay? i can take you to the hospital right now if we have to go, jaebum.” jinyoung spoke immediately, wanting to make sure all of jaebum’s needs were tended to. he couldn’t sit by and do nothing if jaebum was in further danger. 

but jaebum shook his head as much as he could. “no, no… i don’t know who it was, just some girl who was there, but… i don’t think it’s bad enough for me to go to the hospital. don’t take me there, jinyoung. that’s not a good idea.”

“jaebum, we need to make sure you’re okay..” jinyoung continued uneasily, sitting gently on the edge of jaebum’s bed. 

“no. i don’t think it’s bad enough for that to be necessary. i’ll just… i’ll just sleep it off.” jaebum insisted, letting out a sigh and closing his eyes, and jinyoung could hear it. he could hear and practically feel the exhaustion exuding from the other man and he wished he could do more. he wished that he could carry some of the load and lift just a bit of the weight off the leader’s shoulders, but it wasn’t his place. if he tried to take that place, it would only add more pressure, and he knew it. they both knew it. 

he wanted to talk about it. he wanted to know where he stood with jaebum and he wanted to know what they were doing. he didn’t understand what jaebum was thinking and it upset him, but sometimes he wondered if jaebum really thought at all. of course jinyoung was attracted to him, but jaebum was tired. jaebum was just tired, and jinyoung was like a pillow for his head after a long day. he was a way to relieve stress if jaebum needed to and he knew he always would be. no matter how much it hurt to never really know where he stood, he wanted to stand somewhere. he wanted to mean something. 

he couldn’t figure it out, though. he couldn’t figure out what he meant to jaebum and part of him wondered if he needed to be okay with that and leave it at that. he didn’t think he’d figure it out anytime soon and he didn’t think he would figure it out now. he had thought he’d be able to get to the bottom of it tonight, but how could he ask about something like that if jaebum was struggling like this? it was as if the world was telling him no time was a good time and he figured that maybe he just needed to live with that. 

so he nodded, standing up from jaebum’s bed almost too quickly after he’d sat, moving his eyes away from jaebum’s strained expression and to the carpeted ground. they were band mates and friends. they had a weird connection, jinyoung wouldn’t deny that, but they couldn’t be anything more than that. it wasn’t good for either of them or their careers, so it didn’t matter if jinyoung knew where he stood or not, because nothing could come of it either way. 

“okay. i’ll let you sleep, hyung.” jinyoung finally replied, glancing back at the other boy to find him just barely opening his eyes to look back. “i’m going to stay here for the night. i’ll be in the living room if you need anything.”

he held jaebum’s tired gaze for a moment longer before being the first to turn away, heading out of the room and leaving the door opened so it’d be easier for jaebum to call for help if he needed it. he trudged towards the leader’s living room then, grabbing the blanket from the back of the couch and ignoring how much cat hair was on it. he’d been to jaebum’s apartment plenty of times, but he still wasn’t exactly used to it. he figured that’s probably why he and mark were the only ones jaebum really trusted to have over. 

he didn’t worry about it too much, though. he just wrapped himself in the blanket and settled on the leather couch, ignoring the way the cold surface brought goosebumps to the pieces of skin that touched it. he was too tired to care, and he could already feel himself drifting off the moment his eyes closed.

he almost missed it because of how easily he was falling asleep. he almost missed jaebum’s croaky tone hanging in the air as he called out the other boy’s name. jinyoung thought he was dreaming it, at first. 

but the moment it processed he opened his tired eyes again, letting out a small sigh before sitting up again. everything in his body screamed at him to lay back down, but he knew jaebum could really need him. so he pushed through it as he made his way back to jaebum’s room, leaning against the doorframe lazily once he got there. 

“hm? what is it?” jinyoung asked in a blank tone once he reached the other boy and saw him calmly looking back jinyoung, only a hint of uncertainty showing through his eyes. he hadn’t sounded like he was in much danger when he called, but jinyoung could tell he needed something. he could see it in the way jaebum looked at him, but it was the same look that told jinyoung he was hesitant about it.

so he waited. he didn’t know how long he stood there but he waited, half asleep as he leaned against the wall and watched the other boy. and when he did speak, he made sure he paid attention.

“can you lay with me?” jaebum asked quietly, his expression softening the moment he spoke. jinyoung could see the doubt in the older man’s eyes, and it made his heart feel like it was twisting in his chest. “i just… i don’t want to be alone.” 

jaebum was a strong man. he was solid and he handled a lot and he usually preferred to handle it alone. jinyoung knew that. but there were also moments like this where jinyoung got to see him and be there when jaebum needed someone else. and even though he wasn’t sure if he should always be person there given the situation, he could never turn away from jaebum when he was vulnerable like this. 

so jinyoung nodded, walking forward and to the other side of jaebum’s bed, crawling under the covers and shuffling closer to jaebum, stopping just as his shoulder barely brushed jaebum’s. 

they laid like that for a minute, jinyoung staring up at the ceiling and resisting turning his head to look at jaebum when he felt his gaze on him. instead he just waited until jaebum turned and wrapped an arm around his torso, and jinyoung let him. he let jaebum pull his body back to his chest and he curled against him, turning his head to rest his forehead against jaebum’s neck and his cheek against his shoulder. he smelled like alcohol and cologne, but jinyoung didn’t mind. it felt familiar, and even though he knew this wasn’t right, he couldn’t help it. 

he had wanted to talk to jaebum about this. he wanted to know what they were going to do because it was all messed up and jumbled. he needed to know if it was right for them to hide away from the other members and their fans and be with one another like this when they both knew it couldn’t ever work. it was wrong of them to act like this was right and it would work out or figure itself out at some point because it wouldn’t. jinyoung wanted to talk about that with jaebum and he wanted to discuss what they should do and he wanted to know whether this was really a good idea or not. 

but he couldn’t now. not now, when jaebum had such a stressful night and jinyoung had stressed right beside him the moment he stumbled through the door. he couldn’t tell him he didn’t think this would work when both of them needed it to work for now. so he didn’t say anything as jaebum rubbed his thumb gently against jinyoung’s spine and they drifted off together.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i panic wrote this because it ties in more of what was mentioned in the first chapter haha enjoy. :)

jinyoung woke up before jaebum the next day. he usually didn’t, tending to sleep in longer than the leader, but it didn’t come as surprise today. he lifted his head once he’d gained enough of his consciousness to, scanning jaebum’s exhausted, sleeping expression. he was glad to see the man was still breathing, at least, but he could tell last night had a toll on him. he expected him to be asleep for a while longer because of it. 

jinyoung could wait a little while longer. he was going to talk to jaebum because he knew he had to, but he could wait for the boy to wake up. he could take care of jaebum and get this whole drugged situation settled and then they would talk. they had the day off, so there was no excuse. 

with any of the other members, jinyoung would have figured that they might have their own personal schedules or plans for the day. even if they didn’t have plans for the group, they were always at each other’s houses or eating out together or hanging out with other idol friends. they were busy people, but they liked it that way. at least, most of them did. 

jaebum was different. with jaebum, jinyoung knew exactly what he was planning for the day– especially if he’d been partying the night before.

it was crazy, really, how well he knew the other man. it had been 10 years of friendship, or more, and at some points he felt like he knew jaebum better than himself. he knew how jaebum worked. he knew what he was thinking (mostly) just by the look in his eyes and he knew how jaebum physically reacted to words or actions based on how he felt about them internally. he knew which expression meant what and he knew his body language to a t. maybe a bit more than that, even, if their occasional (quite intimate) late night endeavors meant anything. 

but he knew the day was theirs. he didn’t plan to be spending it like the usually did because he had an agenda, but it was theirs nonetheless. the day to figure things out and come to conclusions, even if those conclusions weren’t ones they wanted to hear. even if they weren’t ones that jinyoung wanted to hear. 

but they had to hear them eventually. so jinyoung carefully crawled out of jaebum’s bed, doing his best not to wake the other boy even though that didn’t seem to be much of a problem at all. jaebum was out, and jinyoung even managed to walk around to his side of the bed and give him a kiss on the forehead without jaebum even flinching. 

he was thankful that jaebum was okay. he had been worried about not taking him to the hospital and he knew he would’ve blamed himself if anything happened. it was scary, but he was more than happy now to know that it was okay and jaebum was okay. they would of course have to address the situation and make sure jaebum would be safe going forward and that in itself was worrying, but at least jaebum was okay for now.

so jinyoung let his mind be mostly at ease as he headed out into jaebum’s kitchen, grabbing coffee grounds from the cupboard and starting up some coffee, first. he didn’t know how long it would be until jaebum woke up for sure, but he knew he could always warm up jaebum’s cup again and he wanted coffee for himself anyway. so he didn’t second guess himself as he grabbed two cups from the next cupboard and set them by the coffee maker to wait, moving onto the actual act of making breakfast afterwards. 

jinyoung was comfortable in jaebum’s apartment. although the others rarely visited because jaebum was secretly very self conscious about it, jinyoung was a frequent visitor whenever he had time. he enjoyed his own home relaxation time, of course, but jaebum’s apartment was almost his home away from home at this point. the place he could go when he was stressed or sad, or even happy or when he just simply needed help with lyrics or a melody. it was familiar, even with all the car hair and the mess that it sometimes held. 

it had a calming atmosphere to it. it was simply jaebum’s, and it made jinyoung feel at ease whenever he was there. so he didn’t feel like an intruder at all as he continued making breakfast for the two of them, even if it didn’t happen to be his usual job. whenever he stayed over, jaebum was the usual early riser. even if he stayed up late into the night, he rarely missed a sunrise and jinyoung found it admirable, even if he had started to recognize the toll it was starting to take on the leader. 

lately, it had started to shift more. the more tired jaebum got, the later he slept in. jinyoung woke up closer and closer to the times jaebum did until he started waking up first on almost every other time he stayed over. it was odd, at first, but jinyoung was growing to expect it. he had definitely expected it after last night.

so he didn’t mind going through jaebum’s usual morning routine and taking care of things for him. he set jaebum’s breakfast on the counter for easy access for whenever the other boy woke up. he washed everything he’d used afterwards, making sure everything was in its right place again– even if they might not have been exactly where they’d belonged when he’d picked them up to use them. 

he didn’t mind feeding the cats when they brushed up against him and bothered him until he understood. it felt like such a jaebum job to do that it almost bothered him to do it, but it wasn’t because he was irritated that he had to. he just knew how much jaebum loved his cats and he didn’t want the other man to feel like he had neglected them by sleeping in longer and making jinyoung do it (and he knew jaebum might). 

but he did it anyway, not wanting jaebum to have to worry about it. he would comfort him later if it even became the small issue jinyoung worried about, and he didn’t dwell on it. he just let himself finish getting everything together, grabbing his own plate and his cup of coffee before migrating to the living room and turning on the tv. 

he didn’t really watch tv the whole time it was running, though. the only thing he could think about was jaebum and their current relationship. he didn’t know if he could even consider it that, really, but it had to be something. jaebum wouldn’t cuddle him if it wasn’t nothing. he wouldn’t kiss him or hold him and trust him if it wasn’t something. jaebum wouldn’t sleep with him if it wasn’t something, both in the literal and physical sense. he didn’t know if he was just stress relief or something more, but whatever it was, they couldn’t do it anymore. 

so he sat there on the couch while he waited for jaebum to wake up, contemplating and deciding his words and approaches so he wouldn’t freeze up or back out when he got the chance. he was ready and prepared to deal with this head on and he needed jaebum to be receptive to it. 

it was at least another hour before jaebum woke up. jinyoung hadn’t even heard jaebum walk in, but he immediately looked up from his empty plate once he heard the other man’s voice. he still looked exhausted, but he was functioning. 

“did you feed the cats?”

jaebum’s groggy voice and the seriousness of the question made jinyoung give a light chuckle, but he nodded nonetheless and didn’t make fun. of course that was the first thing jaebum worried about, just as he’d suspected. “i did. breakfast for you is on the counter in the kitchen.” 

he held jaebum’s gaze for a while even after he spoke, watching his words process in the leader’s head before he moved. it was cute, really. how focused he became and how much willpower it took for his morning brain to really focus on anything. but jinyoung tried not to dwell on that thought too much when he knew he shouldn’t entertain those types of ideas. 

he didn’t speak at first when jaebum sat down on the other side of the couch. he let him eat his breakfast in peace, and he seemed to be enjoying it. even though he didn’t say so, he didn’t have to. jaebum liked jinyoung’s cooking, and he’d complimented him enough times for jinyoung to know it well. it was the same when jaebum cooked, too. they had a mutual understanding and trivial things like cooking didn’t require a comment anymore.

what did require a comment though, was the situation from last night. even though jinyoung didn’t want to hound jaebum about anything except their own personal situation, he knew he had to make sure everything was really okay. so he waited until jaebum set his plate on the coffee table and started to sip on his actual coffee before he spoke. 

“how are you feeling?” he started, gently at first. 

“okay. my body kind of aches, but it’s not bad. it’s doesn't feel like it’s affecting me anymore. just the aftershocks, i think.” jaebum answered honestly, studying his coffee and avoiding jinyoung’s eyes. jinyoung could tell he seemed to be ashamed about the situation and it didn’t really sound like he wanted to talk about it, but jinyoung knew they had to talk about it before anything else.

“what happened?” jinyoung continued after a moment of silence, continuing to watch jaebum even though the older didn’t look back. he just shrugged, letting out a small sigh. 

“i… i don’t really know. there was a girl there. she was talking to me and she seemed nice and i didn’t mind the conversation, but… she got a little flirty and when i didn’t reciprocate, i think she drugged my drink.” jaebum replied, lifting a hand to rub his forehead. 

jinyoung frowned, letting out a sigh of his own and shaking his head. “how did she even get to your drink? hyung, you know better than to leave your drink somewhere like that.” 

“i know, i know… i just… i thought i was safe there. i don’t know. there weren’t many people, i thought i was fine. i just wanted to relax.” jaebum admitted, setting his coffee on the side table with his breakfast and then leaning his head over the back of the couch. he closed his eyes before speaking. “i cant ever seem to relax these days. something always happens.” 

jinyoung frowned at jaebum’s comment, understanding jaebum’s feelings all too well. jinyoung of course was tired as well, but he knew how much of a burden jaebum carried. he was the leader. jaebum didn’t take that title lightly, and any mishap or imperfection of himself or the group as a whole was something he had to deal with. that responsibility fell on his shoulders, and on top of that he had to focus on writing. he wrote constantly, and if he wasn’t proud of something he wrote he rewrote it. 

jaebum rarely went out and partied like that. he stayed up late frequently, but if he was out he certainly didn’t go to parties a lot. and of course the one time he did, this happened. jinyoung didn’t blame him for being stressed about it and he didn’t blame him for the reaction he had last night. jaebum couldn’t seem to catch a break, and jinyoung wished he could. he wished he could let him have a break today. but they had to talk.

“i’m sorry.” jinyoung started, looking down at his own lap guiltily before dragging his eyes back up to jaebum. “i know you’re tired.” 

jaebum didn’t open his eyes, but jinyoung knew he knew. he could tell just by the tone in jinyoung’s voice and jaebum sighed again before opening his eyes to look at the other boy, although not lifting his head. 

“you’re here for a reason, aren’t you?” he questioned, only straightening his posture when nora hopped into his lap and demanded attention. 

“i am.” jinyoung replied simply at first, watching nora settle in the other man’s lap before lifting his gaze back to jaebum’s eyes. “i’m sorry. i wish we could just relax like we usually do, and i know you need it but i… i can’t do this anymore. we can’t.”

“stop apologizing. you don’t have anything to apologize for, jinyoungie.” jaebum replied, finally lifting his gaze to meet jinyoung’s. he could immediately see the guilt in jaebum’s eyes, and he hated it. he didn’t want jaebum to feel guilty for anything. not for their situation or the complicated relationship between them. he just wanted to get it settled. they needed to rest. jaebum needed to rest. he couldn’t do that when they kept doing this. when they kept hiding away and acting on their childish emotions and ignoring the bigger repercussions of it all. 

“but i feel like i do. you’re stressed out and i want to be there for you, hyung. it’s all i want to do but i can’t help but feel this is wrong. we’re wrong.” jinyoung confessed, his chest tightening as he spoke his mind out loud. he didn’t want what he and jaebum had to end. he loved jaebum, more than he probably should, and that’s what made this hard. it made the harsh reality feel worse than it needed to and he hated it. “i know you know it’s wrong too and it’s just making you worse. you need rest and you can’t get it if you’re questioning your every move. especially every move with me. because i question them and i know you do too and you can’t have doubts like that when you have so much else on your plate.” 

he paused for a moment, scanning jaebum’s eyes. he could see his words were hurting him. he had known they would and jaebum had to have known, too. it’s why he never wanted to talk about it. but beside all of that pain and frustration, jaebum was still tired. and jaebum recognized that too because he only nodded, looking back down at nora as he responded.

“i know.” jaebum answered simply, and jinyoung let the silence hang in the air for a moment before speaking again.

“if you know then we have to stop acting like something we’re not. we have got7. we have our managers to worry about. the fans. i care about you and i always will. i will always be your close friend and a brother. but we can’t be anything more than that and we can’t pretend that we ever will be. i don’t know how you feel or how you felt about me, but if you felt anything more through all of this i need you to know that we can’t play games like this and run around one another’s feelings.” jinyoung continued on. “you need to focus on what’s important to you. i know i am important, but i’m not anything compared to ours or our friends careers and you need to be able to focus on that. i’m letting you focus on that, hyung. do you understand?”

jinyoung could see the gears turn in jaebum’s head as he processed the weight of jinyoung’s words. he knew it was early. it was morning and they’d both had a rough night, but he had to say it before he gave up altogether and things became a mess. he couldn’t wait anymore. 

he didn’t know how jaebum really felt about him. he’d made guesses and speculations, but that was part of the problem. he couldn’t skirt around what he thought the other believed. he couldn’t keep pursuing a relationship with jaebum when he didn’t even know if that’s what jaebum wanted. he couldn’t do that even if jaebum wanted it because he knew the backlash that would come after it. 

jaebum nodded after a moment, looking like a kicked puppy and jinyoung hated it. he hated that he was the reason jaebum looked so dejected and rejected, but he couldn’t do this. they couldn’t do this and they had to admit that. it was coming one way or another and the group needed jaebum. they all needed him more than jinyoung did and they would get by. 

jinyoung and jaebum’s relationship had never been simple by any means, but never before had it put so much on the line. before, jaebum hadn’t been so tired. before, they had all lived together. before, it wasn’t unheard of to relieve stress with one another. but now that they weren’t so condensed and they weren’t so young, it was different. jinyoung made the choice to cling to jaebum and he couldn’t. not when so many others depended on him and jinyoung could live without being so close. it hurt, but he could live. 

“i understand.” jaebum answered, and at first, jinyoung wondered if jaebum would just leave it at that. he thought he would be facing more resistance and it made him a little sad that he wasn’t, be he knew that jaebum probably also understood the weight of this.

it wasn’t something to be taken lightly and they knew that. they were idols, and although they were also people, there were things that were off limits for them that might not be for others. it’s how their life was and they’d signed up for it. they had no room to complain, and jinyoung knew that jaebum probably knew that better than anyone. 

but jaebum was still human. jinyoung had seen that side to him more than anyone else and he took pride in that fact, but they had to be careful about it. they were the only people that they knew how to be completely themselves around, and it was dangerous. it was for jinyoung, at least, who knew all too clearly how he felt about jaebum. 

“can today be normal, though? just today.” jaebum asked quietly, and jinyoung looked back over to see him pulling at some of the loose tufts of nora’s shedding fur until she meowed in retaliation and jumped away. jaebum sighed then, watching his empty lap for a moment longer before looking back at jinyoung. “we can put down whatever relationship we have after today, if there was one... i just want a little while longer with you. like this.” 

jinyoung hesitated. he knew he shouldn’t. they shouldn’t be entertaining anything anymore. they needed to mutually agree to let whatever they had go and that needed to be it. for it to work, it was what jinyoung needed. 

but he couldn’t bring himself to deny jaebum. not when he was looking like that, so exhausted and disheartened and jinyoung knew he just needed someone to be there for him. he needed some form of stress relief. he needed support. even if it was only for today. 

so jinyoung nodded. he nodded and he let jaebum scoot closer to him and pull him against his chest. he let jaebum kiss him and he kissed him back. he knew it was wrong, knew jaebum knew it was wrong, but after today it would stop. they would stop, so why wouldn’t they give today their all together? why wouldn’t he give everything he had left to jaebum while he still could?

he let jaebum take care of him. he let him do whatever he wanted and by the end of it all, when they were both lying naked and tired out on top of jaebum’s duvet that same evening, jinyoung really felt it. he felt the weight of it all and he knew how much it would hurt. he didn’t want jaebum to ever let go of him, really, and he drummed his fingers gently against jaebum’s forearm as the leader held jinyoung firmly against his chest, even though he knew jaebum’s arms wouldn’t be there forever. 

for now, it was okay though. for today, it was okay, and he didn’t scold jaebum when he spoke up and said something with more weight than jinyoung thought he ever would. 

“i love you.”

and when jinyoung responded simply with “dont say that,” he regretted it. he regretted it immediately, but he didn’t backpedal to retract his statement or make sure jaebum knew the feelings were reciprocated. he only laid there with jaebum until it got too late and he knew he had to get home, so he got dressed and bid jaebum goodbye before heading to his car.

he didn’t leave right away once he got into his car, though. no, he didn’t think he could. this whole time, all he had really wanted was an answer to how jaebum felt. either way, what they had was inevitably going to end and jinyoung knew it, but he didn’t expect it to go like this. he didn’t expect jaebum to love him. not like that.

so he sat there in his car for an extra half hour, crying because he hadn’t expected it to be this hard. he knew it was stupid and he knew that this was his life. he had basically asked for it, and even though it was unfair, he had known that all along going into it. his life wasn’t meant to be normal, but it still hurt. 

so he waited until he was sure the light reflecting off his tears wasn’t bad enough to impair his driving, and only then did he back out of the parking lot, starting back towards his own apartment. he didn’t look back, even though he wanted to. he just kept his watery eyes on the road, missing the way jaebum longingly watched him leave from his apartment balcony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it gets better i promise lol. 
> 
> srsly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this a bit messy but i’m trying my best >~<
> 
> i’m hoping to wrap this story up with one more chapter! hopefully it won’t extend too much past that point since i tend to get worn out quite easily with longer stories, but so far this one has been okay, lol.
> 
> i hope you enjoy!

“can i write a song about you?” 

jaebum’s words echoed in jinyoung’s mind even hours after he’d heard them. the intensity of his initial reaction hadn’t even faded slightly, and he could remember everything about the encounter, even though he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

he remembered the hesitation and fear in jaebum’s eyes. he looked so scared and distant, something that jinyoung was still struggling to come to terms with. he’d felt so far away, and even though they did their best to push through their pain and continue to work on music for the group together, it was hard. neither of them would deny that.

jinyoung wondered why jaebum had asked that. why did he have to be so clear and straightforward? why did he have to make his intentions so clear, when it would have been easier if jaebum had just written it. then jinyoung could have been haunted by his own speculation of the meaning instead of being confronted head on by it. that thought terrified him. 

jaebum’s music was important. jaebum’s music was a part of jaebum, an extension of everything he was. jinyoung had never heard jaebum be more honest in his life than he had been through the lyrics of his songs, and jinyoung didn’t know if he could handle that. not when he would suddenly be confronted by every one of jaebum’s thoughts on every unfair situation they had been thrown into. not when he would be confronted by jaebum’s feelings for him, unfiltered and bare and honest. not when hearing something like that would break jinyoung’s heart even more than just the idea did.

he remembered how quickly jaebum had backtracked. he’d read jinyoung's expression like a book, clearly fearing the situation even more than he had been in the first place as he tried to do damage control.

“it’s okay if you say no. really, jinyoung, i won’t mind, i just wanted to ask because you’d know it was about you anyway and i don’t know if it’s… crossing any of the lines. our lines.” jaebum clarified, and jinyoung recalled how his hands shook even as they rested against the worn wood of jaebum’s desk. he remembered how much he wanted to hold them, to still them and calm the man in front of him. he remembered how much it hurt to know he couldn’t.

“i’m sorry. i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have said anything.” jaebum had continued as jinyoung only sat in suffocating silence, his eyes glued to jaebum’s trembling hands. one of them laid his drained pen down on top of the scribbled lyrics of another song they’d been working on, moving up instead to run through jaebum’s hair. jinyoung’s eyes refused to follow. 

“jinyoung, please… say something, i–“

jinyoung had cut him off immediately.

“no.”

he didn’t know if he regretted his words. all he knew was that it had hurt then just as bad as it hurt now, and as he sat in the meeting room with his five other band mates and his soulmate, he avoided every gaze jaebum attempted to shoot his way. 

he knew jaebum was disappointed. he had been disappointed then and jinyoung was sure he was now, knowing what they were about to do. a pair of headphones laid on the table in front of him, abandoned for now as the seven of them waited for the rest of their team to arrive so they could listen through potential songs for their newest album. he could feel jaebum’s disappointment, even though he still couldn’t bring himself to look at him.

he knew jaebum still had songs that he was going to present. he knew jaebum had to be proud of those just as much as he was of everything else he wrote (jaebum never settled for anything less than what he was proud of). but jinyoung knew how much jaebum wanted to give another kind of song a chance, and jinyoung hadn’t let him. 

he felt selfish, almost, for taking the opportunity away. he knew he was justified in his own reasoning and he knew jaebum respected his privacy, but he couldn’t help the pang of guilt that made his stomach churn and his chest tighten when everyone arrived and they all put their headphones on to listen. 

the names of the composers and lyricists were never revealed when they listened to the songs. it was how they’d always done it to remove bias when it came to picking, but it wasn’t long into listening that jinyoung realized that it didn’t really matter then. none of that did.

he hadn’t expected it all, but when the third song played through his headphones and the lyrics started to process in his head, jinyoung knew exactly who wrote it. he knew because of the sickeningly sweet words and their poetic coalition, knew because the lines and verses held sacred secrets and meanings that only he and jaebum could understand. 

jinyoung felt like he was falling apart all over again, but it was even worse this time. he felt like he had been exposed and torn apart and he felt like he had looked too deeply into a part of jaebum that he wanted and needed to leave behind. they had to leave this behind, but a song like that made it even more difficult to deny and ignore the connection they always held.

in that moment, he was pretty sure he hated jaebum for it. he hated jaebum for uncovering something that they had promised to bury. for lifting it from the grave it had been buried alive in, and then shoving it right in jinyoung’s face. it was like jaebum wanted to remind him of how important what they had once and he wanted jinyoung to be haunted by how he’d murdered it. 

it stung. it stung because he knew that jaebum wanted to deny their conclusion in every sense of it. he didn’t want to give up jinyoung and he never had. the only reason they were where they were was because jinyoung had insisted it for so long and there was nothing they could do. jinyoung recognized that there was nothing he could do and it hurt him, but a song like this made him feel even worse. because jaebum didn’t understand that and jaebum was hurting, and jinyoung hated that there was nothing he could do about it. 

to anyone else who listened, the song was simply a strong, well written and heartbreaking love song. it would pull out the emotions it was meant to and it would touch people. people would like it. 

but ‘people’ didn’t include jinyoung. jinyoung knew every single little meaning and hidden message and he almost broke, because he told jaebum no. he knew he told jaebum no, and jaebum knew it, too. jaebum knew what he was doing and he knew the severity of jinyoung's denial when he had asked. but he’d ignored it and submitted this as if it didn’t exist. 

jinyoung brought himself to look up at jaebum once the song finished playing. it was the only time he could manage to, but what he quickly realized was that what he had thought was disappointment in jaebum before, was actually intensently repressed anxiety and fear. fear and apprehensiveness about what he had done, because he knew it was wrong. 

and jinyoung felt a similar fear and apprehensiveness about jaebum’s decision to write the song. but at the same time, he felt betrayed. 

jaebum should be free to express his emotions and release them in any way he needed in order to cope. jinyoung knew that more than anyone, given how much he and the elder had been through. he knew how much writing did for jaebum when he was in pain and he supported it any other time. but he couldn’t seem to fully understand this. 

he didn’t say anything, though. he couldn’t. not with all of these prying eyes and all too open ears. he could only convey his feelings to jaebum through his narrowed gaze, and even though he saw that jaebum was almost nothing but apologetic, he couldn’t help but give him a brief glare before he sharply pulled his eyes away. 

he had nothing to say when the group collectively– minus too much thought from jinyoung and jaebum– decided that jaebum’s specific song was one of the ones that they wanted to keep. they didn’t seem to notice anything off with either one of the halves of jj project when they reached that decision, surprisingly, and they didn’t realize the truth behind the song, either (which wasn’t as much of a surprise, but was still relieving). 

but that didn’t matter to jinyoung. that wasn’t the reason he was upset about the song, and he suffered silently through the rest of the time they spent choosing tracks for the album, giving his opinion when he was asked, but rarely speaking up on his own first. and the moment they were allowed to leave he did so immediately, standing up from his seat and leaving the room quickly, anxious to get to his car so his manager could drive him home immediately. they had no other group responsibilities then, and jinyoung had no other reason to stay. he wanted to go home and sort through his thoughts, and most importantly, he wanted to ignore jaebum. he couldn’t do that here.

he was inconveniently stopped once he turned down the second hallway on the way to leave, and heknew why. he knew exactly who had stopped him, but he didn’t bother to acknowledge jaebum or look at him. he only stopped in his tracks because he knew there was no use in resisting. he’d just listen to jaebum’s bullshit and then he’d leave. he wasn’t going to get anywhere otherwise, and even though his chest tightened at the thought of having to listen to any heartfelt explanation, he knew he didn’t have much of any other option. 

“i’m sorry. i couldn’t do it, jinyoung.” jaebum started, and immediately, jinyoung closed his eyes. he didn’t want to listen to him. he didn’t want to have this conversation in the middle of their company building where anyone could hear. he didn’t want to have this conversation at all. they shouldn’t have even had a reason to speak about it, if jaebum had just listened. 

“i had to write. i know it hurts you, but it would’ve hurt me worse not to write it and i–“ jaebum continued with his excuses too easily, and jinyoung couldn’t and wouldn’t understand them. he didn’t want to do this when they both knew where it would inevitably end. just like it always did. there was no point in repairing a relationship that felt like it was only meant to deteriorate further. why should they bother to stop something that was bound to happen in one way or another?

jinyoung knew jaebum was the only person he had ever met who matched him. he was the only person he had ever been fully comfortable with and around, and he always had been. he had been even when they were trainees, and they argued and fought about stupid things before ultimately reconnecting again. 

but that was the difference between then and now. then, it had been only the stupid things. the simple things like disagreeing on a concept, or a song, or feeling offended when the other wouldn’t let them have the last sip from their water bottle. now, it was a completely different ball game. now, it was serious.

they weren’t meant to be together. jinyoung had to come to terms with that and it sucked, but he was trying. who was jaebum to continue to deny that fact and make it harder? why did he always have to make things harder?

“i’m getting really sick of hearing sorry from you.” jinyoung stated coldly as he continued to resist jaebum’s gaze, even as the other boy moved to stand in front of him. he couldn’t look at him. not now. not again. he would break and he knew it. 

“i know, and i feel bad, but i couldn’t not write it.” jaebum admitted, and jinyoung heard him sigh sadly before continuing. “you can be mad. you can be as upset as you want, because i wouldn’t have submitted it if i didn’t expect you to have kind of reaction. i just needed to you know that i had to write it despite that. i had to.” 

jinyoung didn’t think he had ever cared so much about jaebum’s opinion while still caring so little about it. every thought going through his mind conflicted the other, and he wasn’t sure how to respond. he didn’t know how jaebum expected him to respond, but he didn’t move as if he was waiting for something. something that jinyoung felt like was never coming, because he didn’t know what he thought about jaebum’s confession and he didn’t know how to talk about it. 

all he knew was jaebum, and it hurt. everything that had anything to do with jaebum hurt, and he was hurting.

so when he finally looked up at the other man, his eyes brimmed with tears as he noticed jaebum’s equally cloudy gaze. and as he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper. but it held all the bite that jinyoung felt, conveyed all the anger he had about everything bad that had anything to do with their relationship. nothing would ever work between them.

“fuck you, jaebum.”

jinyoung knew he didn’t really mean it. he knew it wasn’t jaebum’s fault and deep down, he knew why jaebum had written the song and submitted it. he knew that jaebum wanted him to feel the same and even if they couldn’t be together, he wanted to share the pain with jinyoung. jinyoung wanted to be able to share his pain, too, because being alone and feeling so lost and broken was something he hadn’t felt in a long time. he hadn’t experienced it since before he found jaebum. but it broke too many walls and crossed too many boundaries to share pain with the person who so had caused it, even without even meaning to. 

he knew his words only made it worse. he knew there plenty of ways he could have done it that might have made things easier for jaebum specifically, but this is what made it easy for him. it hurt worse in the moment than its alternatives, but he felt like it needed to do it. it had to hurt and it was going to hurt, and he needed jaebum to give up so maybe one day it would stop hurting so bad. he needed to forget. 

he watched jaebum break down in front of him, and although the change was clear immediately and happened rather quickly, it felt like an eternity to jinyoung. he could see every individual shift in jaebum’s expression, from disappointed to sad to angry and then back to sad again, and then he deflated. he could see the older man’s shoulders slump, see the puddle of tears grow and then jaebum turned away was gone. it had all happened in a matter of seconds, but it felt like an eternity to jinyoung. 

he hated that he knew jaebum so well, because he knew exactly how jaebum would take all of this and there was nothing jinyoung could do about it now. he could only watch his retreating back until jaebum disappeared around the corner, and jinyoung had to pretend not to hear mark immediately dote on their leader from wherever he had gone. jinyoung knew any other member would probably do the same to him if they ran into him as well, and it didn’t take anything else to convince jinyoung to make a beeline for the nearest exit, rushing back out to his car where his manager was already waiting.

he didn’t know why his manager had to be the one to drive him around from work when he could drive himself on any other occasion any other time. he was endlessly thankful for the man, but on days like today, he wished more than anything that he could be alone. he didn’t want to deal with anyone, and even though his manager didn’t say anything about his sour mood when jinyoung got in and instructed him to drive him home, he still felt exposed.

he figured it was probably good that he wasn’t driving now specifically. he was fully capable most of the time when it came to work, but today was a special case. he would never admit it to anyone, but he could be a bit of an aggressive driver when angry or upset, and it was probably for the best that he did have someone like his manager with him in this position. however, the reality of that detail didn’t make jinyoung any happier about being stuck with the guy for the entire ride home, and he was glad to be freed of the company once he thanked the man and started to storm towards his front door.

he only knew of one way to handle how he was feeling. he had never been good at managing stress or anxiety or dejection by himself. he’d always had jaebum, or even jackson i’m situations like these, but right now he had no one. he was by himself, left with nothing but his own existence and his own devices.

so he wrote. 

in a way, it felt like revenge. if he had asked jaebum to write a song about him and jaebum said no, jinyoung liked to believe that would have respected his wishes. and even though he wasn’t sure how jaebum would have responded in that situation, it did make him feel a bit better to write about their bullshit of a relationship anyway. to put his raw, explicit emotions and feelings down in a notebook and to express them through piano chords and melancholy beats. 

he felt angry. he was pissed, and it all showed through his music, but at the same time, the words held so much love and meaning. he was angry with jaebum, but he still loved him. he’d always loved him, and that fact could never be denied no matter how hard jinyoung tried to deny it. 

the song held all of his confusion, his uncertainty, his anger. it held all of his love and adoration for the one person he knew he could never really give it to. he cared so much about jaebum, and every part of that was evident in the song, regardless of how messy things were and how impossible it all felt. it was what he needed to feel just a little less overwhelmed. 

he spent the rest of the evening hours and into the night composing and recording a whole demo in hopes that it would take away the pain. he would never release it anywhere and he knew it– it was far too personal to share with the public– but at the end of it all, he couldn’t help but stare at his phone screen as he looked at the demo in his audio files. 

he’d downloaded it there at first only to add it to a specific folder in his phone. he hadn’t meant to be considering doing anything else with it. it was there for him to listen to and shove his feelings away with, but that was it. that should have been it.

but his body seemed to have a mind of its own as he uploaded the file into a text and typed jaebum’s name into the box at the top, clicking his contact as the recipient. he didn’t know how long he hovered over the send button for, debating making the irreversible decision while barely thinking about it at the same time. 

but it must have been a while before he hit send. because the moment he did, he didn’t have any room to feel remorseful about his decision. all he felt was exhausted, and his fatigue let himself relax enough to set his phone aside and fall back into his bed, falling asleep almost the moment his head hit the pillow. 

he missed the way his phone beeped not even five minutes later, signaling a text back from jaebum.

[i’ll always wait for you.]

it beeped again a minute later.

[i’ll always love you.]


End file.
